Love can be either devastating or annoying.
Guy #105 was annoying. The more he fell in love with me, the more annoying he became.
What annoyed me most were his tics. He constantly made a “clissing” sound with his mouth (clicking and hissing, I don’t know what else to call it). Guy #105 had this weird accent I could never quite take seriously. He was a nerdy PhD. in something, German, and the closest I ever came to dating Urkel.
Urkel was smart and from a certain angle and after a few glasses of wine not entirely uncute. He obviously wanted me as he explained to me the PhD. stuff that he did. He wanted me so eagerly I could make him eat his own socks if I wanted to. Apparently he thought me so worthy he considered himself blessed I was within reach. His eyes sparkled with anticipation, his clisses became more frequent and he giggled like a ventriloquist’s doll when I told him I like talking about quantum physics during sex.
Our first date wasn’t all that bad actually. I was in a romantic mood and must have enjoyed talking about particles. I probably initiated the first kiss as a gift of sorts. That somehow ended up in four hours of tender lovemaking. It was during those four hours Urkel’s mannerisms started to annoy me. His spit spat outward like a supernova each time he laughed. Even worse, he thought he was funny. He laughed a lot.
Urkel was so busy enjoying his moment in time he failed to notice I contemplated smacking his head each time he clissed. Instead, he spoke of me visiting him in Germany someday. He wanted to show me around and introduce me to his social life. I on the other hand was silently wondering why I had let it come to this. It’s difficult to enjoy sex when the other one is enjoying it so much more than you ever could.
Of course it’s nice when someone finds you attractive, but even admiration can be overdone. Nothing is more irritating than someone who wants to be your shadow.
For a few hours I had granted Urkel the illusion the two of us could ever be a thing of sorts. That had planted a seed. The moment his first cliss annoyed me Urkel became unaware of my true feelings for him. No matter what I did, he liked me more. No matter how curt, avoidant or rude I was, Urkel praised me like a Trekkie taking a shower with Jean-Luc Picard. The fact he idolized me and every breath I took made him an incredible nuisance, like a mosquito hovering around your head when all you want is sleep.
I considered myself lucky Urkel lived in Germany. It’s easy to ghost people long distance. Yet somehow he managed to find himself in my country again two months later, where he somehow had us attending a pride parade together. (As mentioned before, I absolutely suck at rejecting people.)
At times I pitied Urkel. His brain was undoubtedly sexy, but his nerdisms were too much for me to take in. His clissing in particular annoyed me, especially when accompanied by one of his many attempts to get physical with me. Being with him again made me wonder how on Earth the two of us had ever gotten to seeing each other naked.
Urkel was clearly disappointed when I told him we would not be having sex again, even though that had been the main purpose of his visit. I could tell he was sad because the clissing stopped.
We didn’t see each other after that, though he would frequently hit me up online to ask me questions like What’s up?, How’s it hanging?, How are you? and Hi?. I did not Hi back.
No one likes to see a sad Urkel, but I guess that’s because we’re all Urkel from time to time. Being in love is pretty much what being Urkel is all about. Guy #105 completely neglected his own brilliance for the sake of praising my pretty blue eyes. Fortunately, crushes come and go and he eventually stopped attempting to contact me. I guess it means he rekindled his relationship with the hot PhD. stuff he was so very good at.
Perhaps one day I’ll be the failed writer whose only claim to success is that he dated a future Nobel Prize winner this one time.
That’s still better than having to listen to any more of his clisses though.
LENGTH: 4 months
FORMAT: Drunken mistake followed by four month hangover
SEX SCORE (0 = Urkel’s pubic hair in your soup <–> 10 = The best sex ever): 3