Guy #213 – Something something friendship something something double penetration…

I’m not good at making friends.

It’s because I don’t really like people, unless it’s people I like.

But to get to know people I like, I have to open myself up to all sorts of people. And on average I’m ambivalent to most people I open up to. As such, meeting people is a bit like tuning into LOST and hoping it won’t be another Jack-episode: a game of Russian roulette where disappointment hits you in the head when you kind of already expect it.

I first met Guy #213 in this gay sauna this one night, but nothing sexual materialized between the two of us.

He was a friend of a friend and also my ride home.

I didn’t think much of Guy #213 at first, nor did I think of having sex with him. He was just someone with a car at a time when I was in need of someone like that.

However, he was a friend of a friend. If you hang out with a friend, friends of your friends have a way of slipping into your social life.

Initially I felt uneasy, as I so often do with people I don’t know.

After all, I have nothing in common with people I don’t know, unless it’s people I know, but to find out if I have something in common with someone I don’t know, I have to get to know that person.

An awful lot of work.

But everyone who was already a friend of Guy #213 always spoke highly of him. So I did the most sensible and pragmatic thing: I decided to not let my innate disdain for strangers be a factor, and instead started to treat Guy #213 like a friend.

Sure enough, if you treat people like a friend, that’s what they become.

Who would’ve thought?

As is often the case among gay Guys who are just friends, sex is a pleasure shared as one would a pizza.

Especially if it’s the kind of friends you go to orgies with. The format of the relationship itself might not be sexual, but when you see someone having sex, you become part of their sex life. It’s arguably the single biggest blessing and curse of the gay scene.

About a year after first meeting Guy #213, he joined me and a friend of mine on a trip to a gay sauna, with the intention of hitting on other Guys and not each other. But as friends who go to gay saunas so often do, they stick together.

And so it happened me and Guy #213 ended up in a whirlpool together. Having shared orgy culture already, we had enough in common for touching each other in a whirlpool to be casual if nothing else. The blowjob that followed felt equally mundane.

Sure I was very much aware of the fact I was sexualizing a relationship with a friend whom I never had sex with before, but what’s wrong with that: getting a blowjob is hardly uncomfortable.

As time passed, Guy #213 and I came to see more and more of each other. We’d have fun at extravagant gay parties, but were equally in our comfort zone checking out cute Guys at the gym, or just having dinner together and talking about our jobs.

Stuff that friends do.

I’m not good at making friends. I’m fine meeting people in places where everybody is naked, but once the clothes come on I’m awkward, fairly judgmental, intolerant and not at all inclined to keep in touch with people I’ve had sex with.

Guy #213 proved to be an exception, and to date he’s been one of nicest people I ever met in a secluded, sexually laden setting and one of the few who went on to see me with my clothes on without it being weird.

The gay scene can be brutal and harsh, sexual freedom as liberating as it is unforgiving.
Having a friend who joins you at orgies is nice but lacking.
Having a friend who you have dinner with is lacking but nice.
Having a friend who does both is special to someone who, like me, sucks at making friends.

Guy #213 has become someone who I’d invite to my birthday and introduce to my family, where we would lie about how we met to aunts and uncles, and proudly refer nieces and nephews to this blog.

Oh, and then there was that time he unexpectedly double penetrated me during a threesome with Guy #262, the first and to date only time I’ve been on the receiving end of so much friendship. 

I’m not good at making friends, but I’d like to think I’m good with the ones I have.


Guy #212 – So who’s the woman?

So who’s the woman in your relationship?

According to quite a few gay people, it’s an offensive question for straight people to ask.

I never got why.

Of course it goes without saying that in a relationship between two men no women are present, but it doesn’t take a degree in abstract reasoning to understand that the question of who’s the woman merely asks what body part goes into what orifice.

I always thought of the question as a healthy dose of curiosity for the gay lifestyle. And I’m always happy to tell any straight person that arguably the biggest joy of being gay is that everything goes into everything.

When sex involves two penises and four workable orifices, the possibilities become endless.

Macho men can be raging bottoms as much as Guys with make-up can be dominant tops, so the question of what goes into whom often has a surprising answer.

Guy #212 was a Guy I met in this gay sauna this one night. He was a petite Asian of the shy type. To him I must have looked like a deliciously tall hump of white privilege. I gauged his appearance and thought to myself Sure, I can dominate you for a while.

I’m not the dominant type, but being so much taller than Guy #212 it seemed only natural I would assert some dominance, be in control and have him ‘be the woman’.

Guy #212 was indeed the woman of our relationship, for the first 30 seconds or so that is.

Being a bottom isn’t always easy or without pain. Guy #212’s facial expression shifted between pleasure and agony a few times, until it settled on agony and the words ‘Please stop!’ came out of his tiny mouth.

Sometimes you intuitively feel you can top a Guy if you’re gentle enough in your persuasion. I was about to go in a second time whilst reassuring how tenderly I’d go about it, when Guy #212 pushed me back.

From a top’s perspective, having a bottom shove you out that early is like going to church and being told god doesn’t exist. Liberating, but hardly satisfying.

After we exchanged some aimless cuddles, Guy #212 rose up. I assumed he was getting ready to leave, but instead he suggested to top me instead.

It struck me as silly.

At the same time I had paid €19.95 to be in a gay sauna. It’d be a waste not to bend over. And besides, literally everything about Guy #212 was petite, which meant little to no agony on my end.

To exchange my dominant mood for a submissive one was as easy as it was awkward. I imagine that sense of awkwardness was the common feeling that sealed our connection. I don’t care much about masculinity or femininity, but to switch sides halfway during sex felt, dare I say it, unnatural.

It wasn’t unnatural because I can’t go both ways. It was unnatural because both of us changed personalities halfway through. On the gender spectrum I’m limber enough to bend from attempted manly to reluctant feminine and everything in between, but to make the transition in a matter of seconds felt as weird as a Game of Thrones episode featuring a laugh track.

Guy #212 asked for my phone number after we were done. I hesitated, so he resigned to giving his to me. He rests quietly in my contact list under the name of Sauna 5 or 6 or 7.

Sauna 5 or 6 or 7 was a nice Guy and not at all unattractive, but being with him was just a little too odd to pursue it further.

I suppose I didn’t want to be the woman in this relationship.

He did make me feel like I hadn’t wasted €19.95 though.


Guy #210 and #211 – So you think you can choke my boyfriend…

“Put your hand there.”
“Grab his ass.”
“Turn him around.”
“Now choke him.”

These are things Guy #210 told me to do to his boyfriend, Guy #211, a few minutes after I met them.

This one night in a gay sauna Guy #210 and #211 came on to me in the most systematic of fashions. While it’s normal to be chased in a sauna, this was one of only a few times two Guys grouped together to get me.

It’s flattering to be chased, but arguably even nicer to be flanked by a pair of velociraptors. The apparent team work these clever girls applied in catching me indicated I was about to engage in a threesome with a couple.

When you engage in a threesome with a couple, you basically sign up as a guest star among a cast of main characters.

As with every television format, guest stars serve only for the glory of those that receive top billing.

But when you’re aching for sexual action you gladly accept the part of Bystander 1. It’s better than not being cast at all.

So when Guy #210 and #211 pushed me against a wall from two angles, I expected a threesome to which I more or less had to surrender, which I was fine with.

Like two actors in a main cast my two companions had clearly played together before, many times. Guy #210 knew exactly what #211 liked and vice versa.

Guy #210 quickly positioned me in front of him, with Guy #211 in front of me. And that’s when the instructions started:
“Grab his shoulders.”
“Grab them harder.”
“Spank him.”
“Now choke him.”

Guy #210 was the dominant one, and his goal was to dominate me into dominating Guy #211.

The thing is I’m about as dominant as Mike Pence on weed.

It was easy for me to submit myself to the instructions I was given, even kind of comfortable. I did fail miserably at being dominant though.

Being dominant on command is unnatural. Also, I’m mostly good at just being me, and that’s only when you catch me on a good day.

So like a guest star, I was allowed to join an episode, have a few lines, do a little routine and then get lost again.


Guy #210 and #211 were two American tourists celebrating Amsterdam in a gay sauna and they had picked me not so much to celebrate with, but to celebrate off.

I did everything I was asked, up until the point I was asked to choke Guy #211. I wrapped my hand around his neck, but couldn’t bring myself to exert any force. I’m not one to choke strangers.

My failure to properly suffocate Guy #211 signaled the end of our affair, some 5 minutes after it had started.

We politely exchanged names afterward and I wished my two companions a pleasant continuation of their vacation. They were already busy working their next target when we said goodbye.

Submissive Guys can be the most aggressive hunters. And dominant types sometimes don’t come out of their shell before third base.

It can get kinda weird when you made your home in the middle ground as I have.

Sex with Guy #210 and #211 was exactly that: a little weird. Expertly choreographed, neatly executed, perfectly adjusted to the format they were used to, but a little weird.

It was still better than not being cast at all though.


Guy #208 and #209 – The twins…

Okay, so Guy #208 and #209 weren’t really twins. They were a couple.

They did however look very similar to me: similar mannerisms, similar bodies, similar height and stats, similar names and whenever I saw them I saw them together. I’ve come to think of them as twins because I can never remember which one is which.

It’s because I’m bad with names, and often also with people. So attaching the right names to the right people is a reluctant and challenging exercise for me.

When I meet someone in a setting where gay sex is the agreed upon end goal, I tend to focus on the sex part. Sure I can carry a conversation and even laugh at the appropriate moments, but when push comes to shove I have little sincere interest in people when they cross paths with me.

This may seem harsh.
And it is.
And I wasn’t always like that.
But attend enough orgies and eventually even the people you’re intimate with become replaceable like toothpicks.

I used to try to connect with people I met at orgies outside of orgies, but in most cases the friendship dried up when my libido did. Sober me is simply not a social person. Forging friendships is not my forte.

Although there was a certain sense of mutual attraction, I don’t think there was much sexual chemistry between me and Guy #208 and #209. But sometimes you find yourself at a party with naked people and before you know it you’re sharing a bathtub with the twins, where casual conversation eventually becomes a few blowjobs.

Whether my oral efforts were well received I will never know. I was fairly sleep deprived and as such coasted all the way to third base on autopilot. Consequently, I never made a real effort to remember which name belonged to which twin. There were just too many similarities between them.

The thing is I quite regularly run into them, at orgies, in clubs or even at everyday gay gatherings where the clothes don’t come off. Slowly they’re becoming part of my social life.

It’s great that I’m making friends.

It’d be nice to know their names though.

And the longer I postpone asking for it, the more awkward it will be.

I don’t like confrontation or communication, so what little communication I can’t avoid I use to avoid confrontation. Whenever I see the twins I treat them like any of my gay scene acquaintances, always making sure the conversation does not require me to know their names.

Basically, it’s hanging out with Bert and Ernie, without knowing who’s who. The only thing you do know is you played with one of their rubber duckies in a bathtub this one time.

That’s not a metaphor for anything, by the way. There really was a rubber duck in that tub for some reason.

Orgies are weird.

Of course I never ask either one who’s Bert and who’s Ernie. The question would make me look irreparably stupid. And the only thing I dislike more than communication or confrontation is making an ass of myself.

***

I started this post about a week ago. Incidentally I ran into the twins again last weekend. Seeing as I was writing a post about me not being a social human being I figured I’d make the effort for a change. The twins are genuinely nice Guys and there’s no reason for me not to validate that except for being an ass.

So I summoned the courage and bluntly asked who was who. They simply told me and didn’t seem offended.

Sadly though I was high last weekend. I remember them telling me their names. I just forgot which name goes where.

I’m the worst.


Guy #207 – The horrible aftermath of that time I cried at an orgy…

Guy #207 was by far one of the saddest individuals I ever had sex with.

He was the kind of Guy that would go from orgy to orgy, desperate to find a place where he belonged. When at orgies, I always saw him take too much GHB and pass out at some point, easily spending hours on end lying on the floor with other Guys occasionally checking to see if he was still breathing.

When attending larger gatherings like techno parties I would often see him at the first aid stand being tended to by medical staff, assumedly because he had taken too much drugs again.

His relationships with the people he met at orgies were, as far as I could tell, shallow at best, even by orgy standards. He found his way into orgies by hitching invites from notably cooler people, only to be dismissed by the very people that brought him along.

When at orgies, he would be clingy, killing the sexual tension by imposing his desperation and loneliness onto those he hung out with. Enjoying sex in the presence of Guy #207 was as challenging as playing a game of Mikado during an earthquake or unwrapping a condom when there’s already lube on your fingers.

But what annoyed me most of all about Guy #207 was that he reminded me of me a lot.

About half a year before running into Guy #207 I attended my first orgy. It was an overwhelming experience: to be included in a group of people based on my looks… It was like being one of the cool kids. Having gone through life without ever being one of those, I latched onto orgy culture like a newborn duckling sticking to whatever creature it sees first.

I became addicted. Not to sex or drugs or chemsex, but to the idea of being one of the cool kids.

Half a year later I found myself crying at an orgy after being mercilessly rejected from a threesome with Guys #168 and #206.

Before discovering orgy culture, I had been fairly confident in my sexual exploits. Sure I was clumsy, awkward and inept at building any sort of relationship with anyone, but I had rarely experienced any form of dependency on something or someone.

Then came the day I fell hopelessly in love with this Guy at this orgy, and half a year later I met Guy #207: a reflection of what orgy culture had made me become.

For a long time I went to orgies for the wrong reason: to be included.

I met Guy #207 in a house with about 30 or so other Guys. I would’ve hooked up with any of them, were it not for the fact I had literally cried myself to sleep a few hours earlier.

If you never experienced the rejection of someone you love at an orgy, let me state that in terms of shame it ranks among my most embarrassing experiences, on par with that time my mother found out I’d been watching gay porn.

So when Guy #207 approached me, I instantly saw the sad hump of hopelessness he was…and I intuitively felt he was me.

I was too overcome with shame to set any boundaries for myself. It might very well be what attracted Guy #207 to me in the first place. So when Guy #207 offered himself to me, I didn’t know what to do but to go along with it.

The great thing about orgies is that you can enjoy your sexuality freely in the company of others. In fact, this often adds to the flavor.

Unless of course you’re engulfed in shame and you don’t want to be seen.

Me having sex with Guy #207 felt weird and misplaced. He seemed relieved to have found someone to belong with, I was mostly just resenting myself, hoping no one was witness to me having sex with him, which at an orgy is akin to wanting to be the only one stuck in a traffic jam.

After the sex was over, I more or less let Guy #207 be. I saw him lying passed out on the floor a while later. One could argue it was in that moment I decided not to become like him.

These days I’d like to think I go to orgies for the right reason: simply to have fun.

It took me a few orgies and a hopeless crush to realize and accept the fact that orgy culture is the place to have fun and unwind, not the place to get the therapy you think you don’t need.

Go to orgies for fun and they’re actually quite therapeutic. Go to orgies to alleviate your issues, and those issues will be as naked as you are.

I got my ego served to me the day I met Guy #207 and it was a lot to swallow.

A few months ago I found myself at this party somewhere when someone poked me to say Hi. The Guy in question appeared very manly, friendly and confident, so much that I found him attractive without him being my type. I needed a few seconds before I recognized him as Guy #207.

In the few years that passed Guy #207 went from being a saggy drug addict incapable of maintaining consciousness for more than a few hours at a time to a good looking, sexy and capable person.

I still regret having sex with him, but still…well done.

I hope he’s a reflection of me now as he was back then.


Guy #206 – That time I cried at an orgy…

When you fall in love with a Guy you meet at this drug infested orgy, and you only ever get to see him at drug infested orgies, and the only time you get to be with him is when both your highs are way above the legal limit, the only real relationship sprouting from that scenario is your relationship with reality.

My reality was as follows:

I fell in love with Guy #168 at this orgy this one time. He embodied the youth I had lost to a closet. My wish was not only to be by his side at orgies, but also to become friends without the nakedness of others. I wanted to get to know Guy #168 sober and find out he was the amazing Guy I fell in love with when we were both high.

I quickly got frustrated by the fact I could only ever meet him at orgies. The reason for this was simple: he had little to no interest in meeting me outside of this cocoon where gay orgies take place.

So I opted to believe an alternative reality, or as it’s commonly called: a fantasy.

My strategy for getting closer to Guy #168 was to chase a mirage I had created for myself: I searched the horizon for faint clues of him being madly in love with me, whilst ignoring the reality that was only apparent when I wasn’t high.

While high, I could easily fit every word, whisper, sigh, eye contact or even absence of contact into the narrative I wanted to believe: that, at least on some level, Guy #168 was into me and shared my feelings, that I was on his mind as much as he was on mine, and that he too wanted nothing more than to get to know the real me, that he too was aching to be with me on occasions that were not just orgies.

So when I ran into Guy #168 at this orgy again one day, it struck me as odd he arrived on the scene in the company of another Guy, an amazingly good looking one I instantly felt didn’t fit my preciously twisted narrative.

Part of me couldn’t blame Guy #168: the Guy that accompanied him was one of the hottest people I had ever seen in my life. One might even say he was hotter than Guy #168 himself.

Of course Guy #168 preferring someone even hotter than him didn’t fit my fantasy one bit, so I decided not to like his friend, regardless of how good looking and annoyingly charming he was.

As much as I tried not to give this Guy who was stealing my thunder any attention, it was all but impossible to pursue Guy #168 and ignore his friend at the same time. They were pretty much inseparable.

Then came the moment I was on my knees giving Guy #168 a blowjob, with his hot friend lined up next to him. I found myself in the awkward position of more or less having to perform oral on one of the most beautiful Guys I had ever seen and resenting every second of it.

So I went down on Guy #168 and his companion, making the latter Guy #206.

Orgy culture being what it is I should’ve felt blessed to be able to get my hands on someone as gorgeous as Guy #206, but my crush on Guy #168 rendered me jealous above anything else.

My guess is Guy #206 felt my resentment. I considered him the competition after all.
When you give a Guy a blowjob and your heart’s not in it, that tends to be noticeable. I was orally obligating my way through Guy #206 while being heartbroken over the fact he was kissing Guy #168 at the same time. The very act of giving it to Guy #206 shattered the reality I so much wanted to believe.

The chemistry to turn our gathering into a real threesome was lacking. I simply couldn’t bring myself to like Guy #206, and seeing him with Guy #168 only paralyzed me and what sexuality I had to offer.
So instead of focusing on the sex, I deemed it wise to show off my amazing sense of humor:
“So tell me, where do your parents think you are right now?” I asked Guy #206 mid-blowjob, showing him that what I lacked in looks I made up for in wit.
Sadly, neither Guy #168 nor #206 seemed to understand why on Earth someone would bring up the subject of parents during a blowjob, at an orgy.

What little eroticism we shared quickly dissolved in my attempt at being funny.
Guy #168 and #206 went away to be with other people, leaving me to fend for my own groove.

Instead of shifting my attention to other Guys, I could only quietly spy on Guy #168 and how he was giving all his attention to his friend, flaunting him in ways I had never been flaunted.

Even though I found myself in a house with about 30 horny homos, all open for business, I couldn’t get myself to strike up the slightest bond with any of them. My entire self confidence had become dependent on Guy #168. Without him validating my presence, I felt like a weird outsider.

Seeing Guy #168 living up the orgy lifestyle with Guy #206 and excluding me from it, I grew faintly suspicious that maybe, just maybe, Guy #168 didn’t see in me the man of his dreams.

It wasn’t exactly the reality I wanted to have a relationship with, so I quickly went through the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and more drugs.

The drugs, in this case a tender mix of XTC, GHB, ketamine, 2C-B, weed and the occasional laughing gas allowed me to cling to the reality I had come for, to believe that Guy #168 was into me and my awesomeness.

Little did I realize I was constantly testing my reality, and with it Guy #168’s patience, by demanding attention from him, constantly killing his groove by imposing mine. I noticed he was appreciating my presence less and less, which I remedied by forcing more of me into his personal space. We were at an orgy after all. He was someone who had given me attention this one time. I had given him and his way too attractive friend an amicable blowjob earlier.

While I was slightly aware of the fact I was pissing off Guy #168 in ever increasing dosages, I couldn’t get myself to back off. The drugs had lowered my inhibitions and any form of self control was now out the window: I just wanted to be with Guy #168 and relive the high we shared at our first orgy together. 

I guess I never stopped to think that drugs can bring out the worst in you when you can’t accept your relationship with reality.

Whenever I saw Guy #168 and his Guy #206, I would join their company, only for them to leave my presence as quickly as they could. At the time I thought my avances were subtle. Sure I could see Guy #168 and #206 rolling their eyes each time I appeared, I could see them whispering about me behind my back, I knew my hotness was declining with every bit they saw of me, but in my reality Guy #168 was into me.

If all of this is confusing to you, try having a go at it with six different drugs coursing through your system.

To simplify, I kept coming on to a Guy who treated his own space as if it was his to own. And the more he pushed me away, the harder I tried.

Cut to Guy #168 and #206 getting cosy with a third Guy. It hurt to see it transpire right in front of me: in a house filled with Guy #168 and 30 other Guys, I wasn’t even his second choice!

I suppose the potent mix of insecurity, denial and drugs convinced me it would be a good idea to impose myself once more, to turn a threesome without me into a foursome in which I would claim top billing.

So I did.

Or at least I tried to.

I sat down behind Guy #168 and his two friends and started massaging his shoulders, to which he responded with a deep, resonating sigh. Guy #206 started breathing angrily, no doubt pissed off at me for spending all my time trying to hit on Guy #168 at his expense.
A few seconds into my attempt Guy #168, #206 and their newfound friend got up and walked away, clearly not wanting to be with me.

This is painful I thought, but the drugs weighed it as one would a distant siren at night. I didn’t yet realize I was the one in pain.

So I went in pursuit of Guy #168, #206 and their hook-up. I rejoined them as they were smoking a cigarette. When I did, their annoyance had been replaced by disdain. I had pushed them to the point where they could no longer be polite.

As a result, they no longer made the effort to uphold my reality, instead exposing it for the fantasy it had always been.

It was the moment it hit me. Seemingly out of the blue reality washed over me, with me unable to hold on to my narrative, unable to escape what was real:

Guy #168 maybe kind of liked me, but I wasn’t special to him. Nothing about my behavior was subtle or sexy. I was being obnoxious, sad, clingy and worst of all, I was unwillingly revealing my true feelings. And in doing so I had been rejected from a threesome. I had exposed myself, my needy ego and my naked self, and all three were scoffed at, at an orgy.

The embarrassment flooded me to the point that I froze. I found myself in front of someone I was madly in love with who kind of liked me when I kept my distance, accompanied by Guy #206, who was getting really tired of having to constantly fend off my bad intentions toward him, and their friend, who no doubt thought I was sad. It was like hearing that distant siren at night and suddenly realizing it’s coming for you.

As before, Guy #168, #206 and their friend fled the scene to not be with me. Only this time I was too overcome by sadness to pursue them.

I secluded myself to a mattress of sorts, surrounded by people who were having sex. I lay down on my stomach, my eyes hiding in my arms, and cried, at an orgy.

A lot of questions went through what was left of my mind as I hid my tears:

Why did I do anything as stupid as revealing my true self to someone I loved?
Why is my true self such a far cry from the Guy I want to be?
Can I ever face Guy #168 again?
Can the people sharing my mattress see I’m crying?

How did I manage to find myself in a house with countless attractive Guys and not have any fun?
How can I ache for sexual freedom and be consumed by jealousy at the same time?
Isn’t XTC supposed to make you happy?

Then why am I crying at an orgy?

Eventually I fell asleep, at that point the only escape from reality left at my disposal.
When I woke up a few hours later Guy #168 and #206 had gone.

I was left feeling sad, embarrassed and hurt, at an orgy that was still ongoing.

So I did what any wise Guy on drugs would do.

I went on the rebound. Plenty of Guys to choose from after all.

I chose Guy #207. And in case you’re wondering how that went, you should read about him in my next story: The horrible aftermath of that time I cried at an orgy.


Guy #194 – The cutest Guy in the sauna…

In a gay sauna, there are three types of Guys:

  1. The nontouchables, or people I don’t want to touch no matter how often they grab my balls. They account for about 90% of sauna guests, are often fat and hairy, not to mention high.
  2. The touchables, 9% of Guys I could see myself doing, not the cream of the crop I pay my admission for but more than attractive enough to have a go on when I am high.
  3. The untouchables, those 1% of Guys I would love to do, but am too shy for to try. Whenever I go to a gay sauna, I aim to score one of these, or rather to have an untouchable hit me up.

Cruising through a gay sauna, you try to avoid the nontouchables, attain a casually ambivalent attitude toward the touchables and follow the movement of the few untouchables like a hawk.

Catching an untouchable is a rare delight, like finding out ABBA is back together or not testing positive for gonorrhea even though your previous date did.

Given that my hunting strategy consists of passively waiting in a corner till an untouchable touches me, I usually settle for having sex with a touchable.

That’s not a complaint by the way. I’m way more at ease in the presence of someone I deem myself worthy of, making it fairly easy for me to suppress my issues. If touchables have taught me anything it’s that looks and chemistry only correlate when you let them.

Guy #194 on all accounts was a great touchable. He was attractive and made an effort by coming on to me. Although I was aware of the presence of some untouchables nearby, I forewent the ache of silently hoping for them to hit me up by enjoying the enthusiasm Guy #194 showed.

Sex with Guy #194 as it turned out correlated with his enthusiasm. Even though we had hardly spoken, the way we communicated our sexuality told us we were likeminded, two people who might have similar interests, a shared sense of humor or appreciation for ABBA music. The similarities weren’t acknowledged, but the sex made them feel very likely. And I wasn’t even that high!

Afterward we did speak a little. I told him I had recently written the fictional diary of Kim Jong-un as a novel. Guy #194 responded by giving me his phone number and asking for the link, so he could read it. I was flattered by his interest, which seemed sincere, especially considering I wasn’t all that high.

After lying next to each other for what may have been fifteen minutes or so, I told Guy #194 I was going to cruise some more. He seemed a tad disappointed, but also very accepting.
“I had a great time with you,” I said, hoping to make me walking away and looking for other people to have sex with less awkward.
“You too,” Guy #194 said, “I caught the cutest Guy in the sauna.”
“Really?” I asked, wanting to milk the compliment as best I could.
“Yeah, I saw you and said to myself That’s the Guy I want to hook up with tonight.
“Wow, thank you!,” I said and walked away, making it all the more awkward I was doing so to have sex with other people.

I needed the compliment, badly.

Also present that night was Guy #168, whom I was very much in love with at the time. A week before I had invited him to this orgy where he never showed up. My intuition told me I had a decent chance of running into him at this particular sauna this night. My intuition had proven right.

It thrilled me Guy #168 was also there, allowing me to show off how much of a catch I was. At the same time it was a frustrating experience, as the good parts of me jumped off a cliff each time Guy #168 came near. There was definitely some chemistry between the two of us, but I was all but incapable of channeling it into something sexual. He was, as one might call it, an untouchable. So instead of trying to have sex with Guy #168, I wondered off, hooked up with Guy #194 and got labeled an untouchable myself.

Thank you, universe.

Yet instead of revelling in Guy #194’s adoration, I left him to find Guy #168 to tell him I just had awesome sex and that the Guy I’d gotten it from thought I was the cutest Guy in the sauna.
“Ow,” Guy #168 replied with a rather heartless ‘good-for-you’ inflection.
“Turns out I can be a good bottom to the right Guy,” I continued, trying way too hard to point Guy #168 to my finer qualities as a human being.

Guy #168 was probably the most dysfunctional crush I ever had: I met the wonderful Guy #194, he thought I was the cutest Guy around and even wanted to read my book. Had I bottomed for him another time, I might have actually sold a copy.

Instead I just wanted Guy #168 to know how awesome some random Guy thought I was. I never even got around to sending Guy #194 the link to my book.

I guess when someone labels me an untouchable, I really play the part, treating Guy #194 as Guy #168 treated me, getting my karma served to me instantly.

Thanks a lot, universe!


Guy #184 and #185 – Spread love, not scabies…

1.
Intuition

It’s knowing what you don’t know you know yet.

It’s the most unreliable advice you should always listen to.

It’s what I should’ve listened to the moment I first saw Guy #184.

It’s what could have saved me a lot of agony.

2.
Social obligation

It’s doing what you don’t know you’re doing yet.

It’s the most reliable advice you should never listen to.

It’s what I listened to the moment I first saw Guy #184.

Two weeks later not even the hottest shower could rid me of the relentless itch Guy #184 had become.

The story of Guy #184 is the story of the most regrettable foursome I ever had.

It started one night when me and two of my friends were chilling at my place. We had some drugs lying around, some Grindr conversations going on and were in the mood to make the night interesting by means of chemsex, because issues.

To make this experience worthwhile we were totally dependent on bringing in other Guys. Me and my friends were just friends after all, comfortable to have sex in each other’s presence, but not looking to have sex with each other.

My goal was a room of at least six Guys: me and my two friends and one date for each of us. Organizing a Sunday evening sexfest however is easier said than done. The Guys on Grindr weren’t exactly biting. Like seamen harvesting a fish bowl, we ended up reeling in no more than one Guy, Guy #184. And I wasn’t even the one who had caught him.

In fact, had I caught him, I would’ve thrown him right back into his bowl, or preferably the ocean. I didn’t like Guy #184 based on his pics, and I liked him even less when I opened the door for him, when I saw just how much this Guy wasn’t my type.

Gauging Guy #184’s response, I could tell I wasn’t his type either. We gave each other an awkward hug as one does when you kick off an orgy get-together. Social obligation had stumbled into our relationship the second it started and it wasn’t going to disappear. I let Guy #184 into my house, doing what I didn’t know I was doing yet.

Fortunately for Guy #184, my two friends were into him. That for me should have been the end of it. I wasn’t at ease in Guy #184’s company, his skin didn’t quite strike me as healthy and I couldn’t help but notice he was scratching himself a lot. One of my friends even asked him if everything was okay, to which he said it was.

When you’re having sex with three other people and two of them are your friends, it’s socially acceptable to focus most of your attention on the one Guy who isn’t your friend. I witnessed my two friends having fun with Guy #184, hesitant to join in the fun but halfheartedly participating regardless.
But then one of my friends spoke up: “You should fuck him too,” he said after he had given it to Guy #184 for a while.

My intuition, amplified by the drugs I had taken, yelled at me, urging me to stay away from Guy #184. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I simply did not like the Guy and I strongly sensed the feeling was mutual. And then there was the scratching. When an itch is persistent enough to demand attention during a blowjob, something is clearly wrong.

Then again, isn’t it impolite to not do a Guy when a good friend asks you to?

Not wanting to disappoint, I followed my friend’s suggestion. It was unpleasant, uncomfortable and unrewarding for the both of us.

Thinking sex was kind of expected, I also fooled around with one of my friends a little, making him Guy #185. It was a whole lot better than my experience with Guy #184, but still awkward. It’s weird to do benefits with friends you don’t have benefits with, even more so when they’re obligatory, even more than more so when the one person you should be feeling attracted to attracts you like a moth to a popsicle.

The four of us spent most of the night on my bed, on my sheets, naked. I was enjoying the company of my friends, but regretted the sex I just had. And I regretted forging the orgy guidelines into my relationships with Guy #184 and #185.

And of course there was the fact Guy #184 kept scratching himself. All the time.

Two weeks later I was scratching too. Guy #184, as it turned out, had scabies. Perfectly curable, harmless and mind-bogglingly excruciating scabies. I was pissed off at him for spreading his itchy skin in my bed, but most of all I loathed myself for not listening to my intuition. I knew Guy #184 was a bad idea the moment I saw him.

I just didn’t know I knew it yet.


Guy #182 and #183 – 2 blowjobs, 0 memories…

I started 168guys.com, among other reasons, because I was convinced every Guy I ever had sex with is a story to be told.

After all, sex is special, intimate, animalistic and on and off rewarding. Sex is eventful.

Or at least, it had been eventful every time when I started this blog. That’s why I was able to retrieve every Guy I ever did from memory when I started writing.

These days, whenever I have sex with a Guy I make a note of it. I guess I always knew the more sex you have, the less eventful it becomes, the easier it gets for Guys to leave my brain well before I address them here.

Enter Guys #182 and #183.

I have no idea who they were, what they looked like or how rewarding it was. All I know is that I came back home one morning, opened my Excel sheet and wrote:

Guy #182/#183: Two Guys who gave me a blowjob in a steam room in Amsterdam’s gay sauna.

Then I closed my laptop and didn’t think of them until now, only to be confronted by an apparent hole in my memory.

I think it says a lot about this gay scene I cruise so often. You meet a lot of people who are unremarkable, or you meet the most amazing people in the most unremarkable of circumstances, or you simply can’t be bothered to be remarkable yourself. The word ‘cruising’ is apt if nothing else. It’s something you can do on autopilot, without thinking about it too much. It might even be a little boring sometimes.

Sure, getting a blowjob can easily be the highlight of my day. Getting two blowjobs might even count as a good day, but I’ve been out of the closet for a well over 4000 days now. That’s 4000 days of hunting, being hunted, dates, failed dates, hundreds of Grindr chats that went somewhere, thousands that went nowhere and more than 300 Guys I actually had sex with, two of whom gave me a blowjob this one time.

Mathematically it’s actually rather sound of me to forget a blowjob here and there. I’m a Guy, not Rain Man.


Drugs, orgies, gay saunas, all on and off rewarding experiences that apparently butchered one of the core beliefs that started this blog: that every Guy I ever had sex with is a story to be told.

So out of respect for my waived convictions, here’s the story of Guy #182 and #183:

Judging by the chronology of my Excel sheet, I entered this steam room one night in either July or August or September of 2016, where I assumedly sat down for no other reason than to be found. I was found, first by Guy #182 and then by Guy #183. They may have happened within minutes of each other or hours apart, but timing aside I allowed both to put my penis into their mouth for the explicit purpose of creating what I used to think of as an event. It can’t have lasted longer than a few minutes each and it can’t have been eventful. It could very well have been slightly enjoyable.
Afterward I went home, made a note of it, then forgot it ever happened.

The end.


Guy #181 – Waiter must cut meat…

If a Guy likes me that much, something must be wrong with him.

That was my main thought during my time with Guy #181.

Guy #181 was actually kind of very hot. I say kind of, because he wasn’t perfect in each and every way: he had a great personality, he was smart, considerate, caring, empathetic, a decent top, an amazing bottom, he had a cute, boyish face, a great body and talking was only the third best thing he could do with his mouth.

And he liked me. A lot.

People sometimes ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend, instead spending my nights dividing my attention between Netflix and Grindr. I’d like to say it’s because I fail to meet the right Guys. In reality it’s because sometimes the right Guy is slightly too bald and has slightly more chest hair than a perfect 20 year old twink with a 40 year old personality would have.

I’m world champion in compromizing for the sake of others. Compromizing to do myself a favor is a skill I choose to lack:

Guy #181 came on to me one night. I let him. We had awesome sex, then exchanged phone numbers.

He apped me, a full week later. Not three days later as I always do when I project onto someone the aforementioned image of perfection, but a full week. That was hot.

I allowed Guy #181 to set up a second date, at my place, this time adding candlelight and poppers to the equation. It ranked among the best sex I ever had.

Yet I kept focusing on the fact Guy #181 was almost as old as I am and that he didn’t make me laugh at regular intervals. And then there was the chest hair, tiny amounts of it, but still.

A third date materialized, again because Guy #181 made the effort. It was great.

So great in fact that I couldn’t quite fathom Guy #181 being into me that much.

Guy #181 and I met up a fourth time, by accident.
He told me he’d been waiting for me to contact him, as I had more or less promised on our third date. I told him I was sorry, and then made up for it by once again having amazing sex with him.

It’s not that I don’t have any interest in having an actual relationship with someone, but I suppose I only do a relationship when the universe presents one on a golden platter with a waiter to cut my meat. If a relationship is a meal, I categorically refuse to touch any cutlery myself. No wonder I’m starving on Netflix and Grindr.

Guy #181 is someone I ought to have chased, if only a fraction of the amount he chased me. Instead I focused on celebrating my youth, going from Guy to Guy, bathing in attention or really mostly just hints thereof.

It was nice being wanted by Guy #181, but I suppose it was a certainty that came at the expense of the excitement I’ve grown addicted to. Every time you open Grindr, you quietly hope to strike up a bond with the most delicious piece of meat you ever tasted. Opening Grindr, then feeling your phone vibrate because you have a new message… it’s a deceptively little high I keep chasing. Even though Grindr in reality is an orgy of social awkwardness where attention is as meaningful as a clown at a funeral, many gays opt to stand out at a funeral instead of, well…just living life.

About a year after our last encounter Guy #181 popped up on Grindr, only a few minutes away from my place. We met up (his idea, not mine, because waiter must cut meat), had great sex, and agreed to see each other again soon.

Another year has passed since then.

I still have his number. Having had more than 300 Guys, I’ve grown tired of orgy culture, random hook-ups and drug induced friendships that fade the moment the high does. I hardly ever reply to anyone on Grindr anymore, and when I do the conversation always fades into oblivion well before getting off the ground. I simply can’t be bothered anymore.

Guy #181 strikes me as someone who I should hit up someday, just asking how he’s doing, to maybe tentatively show I think he’s well worth the effort of getting to know him and that I’m kind of ashamed of focusing on his hair while I should be blown away by everything else.

The reason I don’t text him and probably won’t in the foreseeable future?

Because I’m a bit of a sad gay stereotype. I resent it, but waiter must cut meat. For some reason, I prefer to flaunt my selfies on Grindr in hopes of getting so much attention I won’t feel like the 24 year old virgin I was when I first hooked up with a Guy.

Investing time and effort in someone like Guy #181 seems like a much easier, more effective way of straightening my issues.

Instead I went on Grindr just now. My phone vibrated: no less than two strangers sent me a message, along with this old Guy who keeps hitting me up every two weeks or so.

That felt slightly satisfying for a few seconds.

If a Guy likes me that much, something must be wrong with me.


Guy #178 – Matrix Me…

There’s two sides of me.

One is Matrix Lennard, cool, in control, super hot and capable of dodging bullets if only for showing off.
It’s the Lennard I hope the Guy of my dreams will see in me.

Then there’s just Lennard, my actual self, insecure, needy and incapable of dodging insults.

Guys I am attracted to are often a lot like Matrix Lennard. Whenever I run into a super hot Guy that has the slightest echo of a personality, I fantasize about the two of us living a perfectly sleek gaytopian fairytale in which we celebrate each other’s perfection.

It’s a pleasant albeit dysfunctional mirage, about as real as the Matrix itself.

The Guys that are attracted to me tend to be a far cry from the Guys I fantasize about.

Guy #178 was such a guy. He saw in me the super great awesome Guy I wish people will write books about someday. He expressed his admiration by becoming a saggy sack of compliments that got wetter each time we kissed.

Guy #178 was probably one of the sweetest Guys I ever dated. I could do no wrong. I could ignore him on WhatsApp a thousand times and let him rejoice the one time I didn’t. I could cancel a date at the last minute for the sake of going on a better looking one, and he would completely understand. I could tell him to continue doing oral even when his jaws started showing signs of old age, and he’d be happy to.

Guy #178 was without a doubt one of the most annoying people I ever dated. He idolized the worst in me, and reminded me of the parts I thought were even worse than that.

Yet I went on a date with him a total of 5 times. And each time I felt annoyed and regretted spending time with him.

My relationship with Guy #178 was like seeing Sharknado and then somehow investing in its 4 sequels, each time wondering why.

So why are there people who’ve seen Sharknado 1 through 5 and why am I one of those people?

The sex with Guy #178 was about as satisfying as the special effects in a Sharknado movie: silly but somehow rewarding, because you know you will never be as dumb as that movie. Likewise, the sex was as spectacular as an actual sharknado is likely, but it did make me feel like I was by far the coolest, securest and catchiest Guy at the scene. Guy #178 made me feel like Matrix Me, even though I resented him for being a nerdy sidekick that failed to live up to my own image.

My life at the time wasn’t going great. I was hopelessly in love with Guy #168, a gorgeous Guy I had met at this orgy this one time. He was everything Matrix Lennard ached for, and as such all but unreachable. Whenever I ran into him, I would lapse into endless monologues about how much I admired his personality, his accomplishments, his body and his personality. Guy #168 always got uncomfortable by me giving him the Messiah treatment, which I remedied by giving even more compliments. The harder I tried, the more he distanced himself from me.

Guy #168 was the perfect match for Matrix Lennard. Sadly though, Matrix Lennard failed to load each time I saw him. The only side Guy #168 got to see was my actual self, desperate, needy and highly capable of dodging hints from a Guy that appreciated his own space as if it was his to own.

Few things are more frustrating than being incapable of being more than you in front of someone you want to be more than you with.

During all of this I spent my days taking care of my ailing stepdad, constantly surrounded by illness, decay and steadily approaching death. I had no job, no social life to speak of and had gotten addicted to weed, spending large parts of my days in a haze Matrix Me couldn’t reach me.

A sharknado was just what I needed.

Enter Guy #178, someone who annoyed me to no end with his compliments, his never ending attention and less than perfect looks.

On our third or fourth date I had smoked a joint in advance to ease myself into it. Minutes after starting foreplay on his couch, the weed kicked in much stronger than I had anticipated. I got dizzy and made it to the toilet just when my Burger King dinner resurfaced. As I clung to Guy #178’s toilet, puking my guts out and silently resenting my life and everything in it, Guy #178 constantly hovered over me, asking if I was okay, if I needed a towel, if there was anything he could do. And then he just started caressing my shoulder, almost as if his mind was still on foreplay.

I believe everyone on Earth knows but a very few people they would like to be touched by when they’re coasting down a bad trip hanging in the aura of their own vomit while clinging to someone else’s toilet. Guy #178 was not one of those people. I was high, depressed, nauseous and could only think of Guy #168, and what he would think of me if he’d see me failing at my life the way I was. Instead of enjoying my gaytopian lifestyle with Guy #168, Guy #178 was occupying my space like a fly circling around my head, capable of dodging everything you throw at it.

Guy #178 reminded me of me a lot. Although Matrix Lennard has all the makings of a movie star, my self loathing self is actually a much nicer person, as was Guy #178.

When you sit through one half of a Sharknado movie whilst having no life to speak of, it’s easy to succumb to everything that’s wrong with a sharknado. My life was a mess, but at the very least it made more sense than a Guy dodging sharks with a chainsaw as they were falling from the sky.
So after I was done vomiting Guy #178 and I proceeded to have sex. Despite being a jerk to him, puking in his toilet and over his bathroom floor and resenting him for being so relentlessly nice and devoted, Guy #178 wanted me for the Matrix Lennard he saw in me.

I fought not to admit it, but part of me liked being admired by Guy #178. And in a way, I grew to respect him for staying true to his own character all the time, annoying as it was.

We stopped dating eventually, not because I didn’t want to give him more of my attention, but because he moved to another country.

Yet whenever I think of him, I know how irritating he was, but what I remember is him doing his very best to take care of me after puking through foreplay. And I remember me waking up next to him the following morning because of it.

When you watch a Sharknado movie, you can’t help but loathe yourself for wasting your time on something so obviously stupid. But when you remember that time you watched Sharknado, it’s impossible to hide a faint but definite smile. Somehow, for reasons as mystifying as life’s biggest unanswered questions, a sharknado makes you feel like Matrix You for a while.

Thank you, Guy #178, for being as annoying as I am.


Guy #176 and #177 – What is this whole sex thing anyway?

It is September 11, 2018, I am 36 years old and at this exact point in time I have had sex with about 305 Guys. I say ‘about’ because, among other things, this story will show you sex is not a simple yes or no variable.

When you’ve more or less had sex with some 300 Guys and counting, sex itself loses some of its mojo, especially when love is notably absent most of the time.

In my early days of sexual exploration dating sites (and later apps) were a source of excitement. It felt naughty, to expose myself and my body to the kind of pleasure I would not dare tell my mother about.

300 Guys later, I don’t go on Grindr to hunt for Guys. The only real reason I go online is to see how well my profile picture performs. Every day when I get back home from work, I open Grindr, alerting gays in a one mile radius of my presence. An hour later, I open Grindr again…and then I look at the profiles of people who hit me up as I was busy eating, watching Netflix and getting ready to go to the gym.

And then I ignore those people. I don’t even bother reading their messages. I hardly ever initiate a conversation on Grindr and the people that hit me up are almost always not my type. I simply can’t be bothered.

Because once you’ve been on one Grindr date, you’ve been on all. The details vary, but the formula is pretty straightforward: Sexual frustration + loneliness + social awkwardness = Grindr date.

It’s interesting the first 100 times. After that, you can’t help but get jaded. So after a while Grindr stops being instrumental in getting laid. It becomes an instrument in getting attention. Getting laid is something you can do in a gay sauna or a raunchy nightclub, where you don’t have to go through obligatory conversation to get some action.

At least, that must have been my assumption the night I met Guy #176 and #177.

Guy #176 was the type of Asian I could tell was into white Guys such as myself. He was too shy to actively chase me, but every time our paths crossed I could see his eyes light up. Added to that he was cute, generically cute, so a perfect fit for someone like me, who wasn’t looking for a layered person.

Guy #176 and I started our conversation in front of some lockers in a gay sauna. It was brightly lit, but the twinkle in his eye shone brightly regardless. It was not at all a surprise he reached for my parts. I was happy to let him: having a generically cute Asian Guy fiddle with my testicles was just the thing I was in the mood for. And by the looks of Guy #176’s face, he had found exactly what he was looking for too!

Things don’t get much better in gaytopia.

Except that when I leaned in to kiss Guy #176 he veered back. Our lips had touched, we had played with each other’s genitals: technically, this Guy was now blog material, but just when I thought we’d submit ourselves to some tender foreplay, Guy #176 started laughing uncomfortably, apologetically even.
“I’m sorry, I just had to feel you up for a bit,” Guy #176 said.
“Well, now you have,” I replied, hoping it would be quirky enough to glide our relationship into the actual stuff I wanted to do to this Guy.

It didn’t. Guy #176 said sorry one more time and then went off, ending our relationship as randomly as it had begun.

(I actually ran into Guy #176 at a clinic this one time as we were getting an AIDS test, where of course we pretended not to know each other.)

Up next was Guy #177. My relationship with him started online, where he hit me up saying ‘Hi’. I usually don’t respond to Hi’s, but a quick glance at his profile taught me he had a boyfriend and that the two of them were on the lookout for threesomes. Both looked reasonably cute, so I made a slight effort for a change.

Guy #177 and I chatted for a while, discussed sexual preferences and even pondered setting a date with the three of us, which then never materialized because we lived too far apart for me to be truly bothered. Threesomes top twosomes, but when you’ve done orgies, a threesome is about as exciting as Finding Nemo is to Finding A Fish.

Then came the day I ran into Guy #177 at a gay sauna. We recognized each other from our pics and awkwardly said ‘Hi’. I don’t remember how exactly, but we ended up sitting next to each other in a steam room not long after. He wasn’t as cute as his pics had suggested and he could probably tell my abs didn’t come with a contrast button in real life. Yet at the same time we had spoken about having vivid sexual intercourse. Giving each other a socially awkward handjob seemed weirder than not doing anything at all.

So Guy #177 jerked me off for a short while, while I did the same to him. As I bestowed upon him the pleasure of my left hand, my mind was stuck between upping the sex with oral or using my mouth to start a conversation.

In the end Guy #177 simply got up and left, never to be seen or heard from again. He didn’t even get to experience what my right hand is capable of.

Guys #176 and #177 make me wonder if Karma has taken note of my Grindr etiquette: Grindr me is not exactly a great Guy. I prefer getting attention over actually having sex and I dismiss Guys when they require the slightest pinch of effort. Guys #176 and #177 gave me attention, then dismissed me as I tend to with the Guys I meet.

My relationships with Guys #176 and #177 were a bit like this story. You make a little effort to get invested, hope it will lead somewhere and then it ends before getting off the g…


Guy #175 – Donald Trump the aphrodisiac…

“I apologize for Donald Trump,” was one of the first things Guy #175 said to me.

I don’t have anything against Americans, but the ones who apologize for Donald Trump the first chance they get have a special place in my heart.

There’s nothing cuter than a Guy apologetically admitting his American citizenship, knowing all too well Europeans have come to see America the way America sees Detroit.

It’s the land of the free and home of the brave, but to those that spend enough time outside of it the words “I’m American” often come with a pinch of shame these days…and it’s absolutely adorable when a cute Guy does it.

I don’t think anyone should ever have to apologize for their country, but saying sorry for Donald Trump has become a very effective way of letting people know that Hey, I’m American, but I am aware Africa is not a country, I don’t believe in angels and it’s never a good idea to nuke Finland.

Mind you, Guy #175 said sorry for Donald Trump way back in the summer of 2016, when it still seemed unlikely he would become president. His preemptive apology made him one of the nicest Americans I ever had sex with.

Because it was in that moment, when Guy #175 said he was sorry for Donald Trump, that I decided I would turn him into Guy #175.

When you meet someone who dislikes Donald Trump, you quickly find you have a lot in common. Whether it’s about building walls, grabbing women by the pussy, or cuddling up with racists – all of which activities gay Guys seldom engage in – the road to foreplay is smooth as a slide: the Donald Trump apology was a push, and from there we comfortably coasted toward kissing and, eventually, what could best be described as a gay attempt of grabbing each other by the pussy.

Guy #175 and I didn’t spend much time together. I had a life I needed to be at, he was an American, staying in my country for no more than a few days.

We enjoyed each other’s company in his hotel room for about an hour, then we went out and got high together, because what else would I be doing with an American tourist in Amsterdam?

We got along very well, even becoming Facebook friends.

About a year later he contacted me, saying he was back in the Netherlands for a short while, asking if I’d want to meet.

By this time Donald Trump had found his way to the White House. There would’ve been so much for us to talk about, so much to bond over, yet I only halfheartedly set a date for him to come over at my place. And when that date arrived, neither of us made any real effort to actually meet up. He said his train got delayed, I told him not to rush, which he probably took to mean he needn’t show up at all.

A second date never happened.

When we met, Guy #175 and I talked about way more than just Donald Trump, but for some reason I mostly remember making fun of American politics as the thing that set our date apart from others.

Guy #175 was cute, but in my memory our bond was mostly the result of a common sense of disbelief toward things happening an ocean away. I’m sure there was more to us, but I simply didn’t register it as a memory…maybe because I got high too much.

Who knows if Guy #175 and I ever meet up again. He’s an American who lives in Finland, so as long as Donald Trump hasn’t nuked it, I won’t rule it out as a possibility. Stranger things have happened, like Donald Trump being an aphrodisiac.


Guy #171 – The old Guy…

If there’s one thing I hate it’s getting old. I don’t mind picking up some wisdom here and there as the years go by, but dammit the skin around my eyes wrinkles when I laugh.

I’m getting wrinkles.

Perhaps the main reason for clinging to my youth is the way I treated ‘old’ people all my life. Living what I would call the gay lifestyle. I’m very much accustomed to people grabbing my testicles as I pass them. In most cases, the person reaching for my crotch looks like Tutankhamon on a bad day and the idea of him and me having sex is so preposterous I don’t even bother to look my pharaoh in the face.

It’s about as cold rejections come.

I could feel bad about it, but in all honesty I can’t help but wonder what those old men are thinking by having a go at prime-of-my-life me! We waste our youth on old cars, not on old people.

Yet each time I ignore a horny mummy as one would I realize that one day, in the less and less distant future, I too will become old. One day, there will be people who consider the thought of having sex with me too ridiculous to give it a moment’s thought.

I met Guy #171 in a steam room this one time. He was already engaged in sexual activities with about three or four other Guys. Usually I’m not the type to insert myself in someone else’s sexfest. I’m way too shy for that, except this time I noticed Guy #171 was surrounded by men who were way older than I was. We gave each other a quick look in which I saw relief in his eyes, so I went in. To my relief, he let me.

For a few minutes, Guy #171 allowed me to do stuff to his body. We even followed up on it with a kiss, after which Guy #171 suddenly signaled the party was over by getting up and walking off, leaving me with Ramses the First, Second and Third. The idea of them and me even acknowledging each other’s existence seemed too intrusive, so I left them as Guy #171 had seconds earlier.

I ran into Guy #171 a while later. He had kissed me rather amicably before, so I was expecting to get some lip action going on by moving into his personal space and grabbing his testicles. To my surprise, Guy #171 swiftly shoved my hands back and turned his head away. He seemed repulsed. That was new to me. I’d been rejected plenty of times, but never by someone I’d given oral to moments before. Could it really have been that bad, or were there other factors at play?

As I thought back on things that had transpired in the steam room during our first encounter, I noticed how it had happened in almost complete obscurity. Come to think of it, Guy #171 never seemed to eager to do anything, nor was he having any fun. Those three or four men surrounding him didn’t do much either, except for a little caressing here and there, which in a gay sauna is less than a handshake. In retrospect, Guy #171 wasn’t having sex when I first met him. He was letting some people touch him and wasn’t even that comfortable with it. When I joined in, it quickly became too much and he had to leave.

 
 
Cut to us half an hour later, where we meet up in a place bright enough to actually see each other…and suddenly I’m the dinosaur.I have memories of the Challenger disaster, the Berlin Wall coming down and Nelson Mandela being released from prison. By the looks of him Guy #171 was barely old enough to know the difference between Mel B and Mel C.

 

To me old people are the ones who have vivid memories of the seventies, Woodstock and Hitler. Guy #171 made me realize that as time moves on, so should my definition of ‘old’, that one day there will be a day that definition fits me, that one day I’ll be among the last people to know what the world without the internet was like, something me and all the pharaohs have in common.

It’s not the kind of thought you want occupying your head when you find yourself hunting meat that’s younger than yours. On the plus side, I wasn’t laughing the night I got rejected by Guy #171, so my wrinkles at least were kept under wraps.


Guy #170 – Oprah on a bad day…

I don’t like fat.

It’s why I prefer walking over public transportation, why I have a gym membership I don’t use as often as I feel I should and why I have to digest guilt each time I eat ice cream.

So when I meet a Guy and find myself confronted with the decision whether or not to have sex with him, the amount of fat this Guy carries is a very determining factor in my decision making process.

Which doesn’t mean fat Guys don’t stand a chance. They simply need to put in a little extra effort.

Fatwise, Guy #170 was like Oprah on a bad day. Like Oprah, he didn’t make an effort to hide his lack of abs. Instead, he initiated a conversation about his body and freely acknowledged it wasn’t the best thing he had going for him. Like Oprah, he too talked about things he was doing to shape up, one of which included a diet that consisted of less than 1000 calories a day.

I don’t like fat, but that doesn’t make me heartless. Although I was well aware Guy #170 was playing on my empathy to find him attractive, I couldn’t deny his tactic was working. The more he spoke about his struggle to lose weight, the more I saw in him the Guy he could be if he stayed in Oprah-mode long enough.

Personally, I’m not very smooth when it comes to hitting on people. I more or less have my looks to offer. Beyond that, I lack the ability the steer a conversation in the direction of sex. I simply have no idea how to talk people into sexual contact. The art of seduction, reading people, playing into their weak spots, figuring out what makes them tick. I lack those skills. For me, hitting on a Guy is simply a matter of going in and hoping for the best, an on and off successful strategy I intend to keep using as long as I don’t have any fat forcing me to make a real effort.

Guy #170 however was smooth to the bone. He knew that if he wanted to have sex with me, he would have to work me. At some point in time he must have figured empathy was to be his weapon of choice. Instead of hiding his fat, he made it the center of his campaign.

In addition to infecting me with his highly contagious Oprah positivity, Guy #170 was also assertive. His intentions of wanting to have sex with me were clear well before he opened up about his diet, as he repeatedly touched me in places fat people usually don’t get to touch me.

Even though I remained hesitant throughout the sex, it was far from unpleasurable. Guy #170 knew what to do and was good at what he did, a combination that made up for most if not all of his fat.

Thank you,” I said after we were done.

You’re a dumbass,” Guy #170 laughed as he gently slapped my face. He implanted the idea that maybe I tend to be too much of a kiss ass toward people who give great blowjobs.

Seconds after I extended my gratitude Guy #170 walked off, though we would later meet up again and talk some more.
I still run into him occasionally and when I do it’s always nice to see each other again. Sex however will never again materialize between the two of us. Every time I see him I can’t help but feel I was tricked, even though I liked it enough to say thank you.




Guy #169 – When being yourself is easy…

Being yourself is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do. And usually, we opt for making it hard on ourselves.

I for one am way too much of a people pleaser. It’s rooted in my innate desire to be liked and/or eternal fear of not being loved. The easiest thing would be to just ignore it, be nice to people and live life while you can. Instead I aim to resolve my conflict by being nice to people for all the wrong reasons.

Sexwise, I am usually the one who does most the work. When I’m having sex I go into please mode. Generally speaking, I aim to please more than I please to aim.

I would love to completely let go, because few occasions taught me it’s awesome when I do, but most of the time a big part of me is consciously making sure the other Guy is enjoying it at least as much as I am.

Guy #169 was a notable exception and the reason for it was food poisoning.

I first met Guy #169 a few hours after I had eaten what could have been bad anchovies or undercooked chicken, neither of which bothered me yet when Guy #169 and I started talking. He had a job, I did stuff, he wanted sex, I went into please mode.

Until I started getting dizzy. It instantly rendered me incapable of doing any pleasing. Guy #169 wanted to continue what we were doing, but I intuitively felt I was about to vomit. I told Guy #169 I needed to be by myself and quickly made my way for a toilet, which I was lucky enough to find just in time.

In just ten minutes I had gone from feeling great to hanging over a toilet with a fever and the weirdly familiar taste of chicken and anchovies in my mouth. Hovering over your own vomit in a toilet in a gay sauna alone with a fever sending all your thoughts into overdrive, it’s easy to get philosophical and wonder about where your life is going, and if hanging over the toilet at 3AM in a gay sauna would have made your mother proud.

So when I ran into Guy #169 a while later, I was still feeling queasy and not at all in the mood for sex. Also, I would feel bad for letting Guy #169 kiss me, because I had literally thrown up minutes earlier and had taken but a menthos to remedy it. Guy #169 however wanted me really badly, so I made a decision. Either I would sit out my little flu alone and miserable, or I would treat Guy #169 as my massage therapist and let him do the pleasing.

It struck me that the great thing about feeling sick is how it makes being yourself so much easier. You simply don’t have the energy to engage in appearances.

And so it happened I ended up getting an intensely erotic massage that allowed me to more or less enjoy the flu wave.

The fun ended when Guy #169 wanted more than just be my massage therapist. I told him I wasn’t feeling too well and that there was no way in hell he would get more from me, as much as I more or less didn’t even want it to to begin with. Guy #169 settled for letting me give him my number. We apped a few times.

I considered going on a date with him. I figured it could be good exercise in turning off the please switch. Then again, I knew I would only enjoy being that passive on a diet of bad anchovies or undercooked chicken. I suppose I just wasn’t that much into Guy #169, which I already knew the moment I let him kiss me moments after I had vomited. That’s not what I would do to a Guy I really like.

However, when I’m slightly delirious and shaky from a fever, the gloves come off and I have no qualms using people for my pleasure.

People often tell me I’m a nice Guy. Little do they know I’m nice for all the wrong reasons.


Guy #164 – Attractiveness means nothing. And everything.

Here’s the thing with being attractive: It doesn’t really mean anything. And it means everything.

Attractiveness is a conflict in and of itself.

In many ways I feel I’ve been blessed with my looks, as I generally receive decent amounts of attention from Guys.

At the same time I get rejected all the time. While it’s impossible to dive into the mind of others to acquire their perspective on me, the general assumption is that people who reject me do so because they don’t find me attractive enough to have sex with.

So whenever I go to a place where my merit is measured by my looks I’m a walking conflict, blessed with attention and burdened with the few I don’t get it from.

I should add that, even though I’m a hunter, I am unbelievably bad at picking up Guys. I try to be smooth about it, hitting up Guys as if I’m Joey from FRIENDS. But no matter how hard I try to be a Joey, a Ross or even a Chandler, I always end up a Gunther somehow.

The result is that I mostly depend on people hitting on me to get laid.

And I don’t get hit on very often.

Being a hunter who’s barely hunted himself, I sometimes go through endless nights of futile attempts to get intimate with someone. Sometimes I go for hours without a successful hook-up. Attractiveness means nothing, but after hours of nothingness I generally start to question my looks, thinking that maybe I’ve been overrating myself all these years, that Guys have sex with me out of pity as often as I have pity sex with them. The more unattractive I feel, the more important a feature it becomes.

So when Guy #164 started chasing me down our little gay sauna maze I was at first relieved. Then I took a look at him. Attractiveness means nothing, but it also means everything. In the case of Guy #164 I considered him unattractive enough to reject. Having sex with him, I figured, would only help to lower my market value even more. Even less than wanting to have sex with him, I didn’t want other people to see me having sex with him. Allowing Guy #164 to go down on me would be like having a white trash family exchange their trailer for a mansion. Guy #164 would be the Trump to my White House.

When Guy #164 first reached for my testicles I pushed his hands back and walked away. Guy #164 however persisted, following me and trying to push me against a wall several times. I hated him for it, but at the same time I couldn’t help but enjoy that feeling of being wanted. Gunther doesn’t get to feel like that very often.

So I took a closer look at Guy #164 and decided that, although I don’t have a thing for Guys with beards, at least this beard was kind enough to cover his face.

Guy #164 and I had sex for about ten minutes. He seemed to be enjoying it. I enjoyed the fact at least one person found me attractive.

“Can I have your phone number?” Guy #164 asked me when I interrupted the sex for the sake of not having it anymore.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Please, you’re so beautiful.”
Even though I felt I was way above Guy #164’s league, he was the only one that night to tell me I was pretty. It felt good to hear, while at the same time I resented the compliment for coming from a Guy I couldn’t give it to in return.
“We’ll let fate decide if we ever meet again,” I said, the second time I used that line to distance myself from someone without it having to be a cold hearted rejection.

I walked out on Guy #164, took a shower, and went home quickly.

When I started writing about every Guy I ever had sex with I was very much under the impression love and sex are inseparable. Even Guys that cruise, Guys who frequent places so dark rejection and passion are evenly secluded from the outside, Guys who spend their weekends doing drugs and hunting for mating partners, are in it for love, even if they say it’s just sex.
“Every Guy you see here is looking for love,” I once proclaimed to Guy #168 when I ran into him at the same sauna I met #164.
“Every Guy you see here is looking to love himself,” Guy #168 reasoned, a small but probably just distinction.

I never had sex with Guy #164 because I wanted to love him. Instead, he allowed me to love myself a little. And then, being the wonderful Guy that I am, I resented him for it and walked out on him.

Attractiveness means nothing. And everything.


Guy #163 – Being a dominant kiss-ass…

Being a psychologist who spends a lot of time in places where gays get naked, I see insecurity the way that kid from The Sixth Sense sees dead people: Insecurity is everywhere. It doesn’t know it’s insecure, although in the end it kind of does and for some reason I feel it’s my duty to help those with insecurities face their issues so they may overcome them and move on.

I like saying nice things to people. Sure I do it because I want them to like me, but mostly it’s a conscious effort to let people know that insecurities are like birth marks in the sense that everybody has them in places we don’t want them.

In short, I love making Guys with abs feel good about themselves.

Guy #163 had terrific abs. In fact, his entire body was more than could be summed up in one compliment. Also, I quickly noticed how Guy #163 felt insecure about himself. We met up at his place, where the air of arousal got perturbed by his constant restlessness. I offered him a few sips of a joint I had brought, but as it turns out people with ADHD become more like people with ADHD when they slow their brains down. The weed rendered Guy #163 unable to sit still for more than a few seconds.

Although I was in the mood for some conversation as a means to make the sex more interesting, Guy #163 and I soon got physical. I suppose it was the most sensible thing to do. Guy #163 clearly lacked the inner calm to carry a conversation and I was too high to carry it for the both of us.
During sex, Guy #163 remained somewhat frantic, occasionally checking if everything was in place. The only moment I could focus on our sex was when I positioned myself as the dominant factor in our little one-night stand. It was in that moment Guy #163 managed to let go a little and ride his high the way it was intended.

The thing is, I only like being dominant when the other Guy fights it, not when it’s blithely accepted. Being dominant with someone who immediately allows you to is akin to the bad Guy dying at the start of a movie or starting sex with an orgasm: It puts the reward before the effort.

So I did what I figured was the right thing: I started giving compliments, hoping to put Guy #163 at ease and only as I write this down do I realize how odd it must have been for him to be dominated by a kiss-ass.

I praised Guy #163 for his body and hotness. I told him I’d wanted him the moment I first laid eyes on him.

It wasn’t long before the sex was over.

I however wasn’t done upping my date’s ego. Even as he secluded himself to his bathroom to take a shower did I practically yell at him, letting him know how gorgeous he was.

“You should really stop saying how beautiful I am all the time,” Guy #163 said as he returned from his shower.
“Why?” I asked surprised. I couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting to receive a compliment. I love it when someone tells me I’m beautiful. How could anyone not?
“It takes away the tension,” Guy #163 said.

Oddly enough, I was both surprised and empathetic. Sex without tension indeed is like Will & Grace without Jack & Karen, but do we really need insecurites to create that tension? Do we need doubt to make sex interesting? Guy #163, despite his insecurities, seemed absolutely certain that we do.

I was reluctant to accept the fact my kind words were not well received. At the same time I couldn’t help but agree with Guy #163: Repeatedly saying how beautiful he was didn’t appear to make him feel more beautiful, at least not in the way he wanted to be beautiful.

I guess compliments are like orgasms: They’re more rewarding the harder you work for them. Silly me handing out orgasms for free.

Guy #163 and I would occasionally run into each other after our date, but sex between the two of us never again materialized, nor do I think either one of us wanted it to. My dominant self had killed all the tension by being a kiss-ass.

Shame, because Guy #163 had the most amazing abs.