Guy #107 – The former model…

Not too long ago scientists discovered an Earth-like planet about 490 light years away. That means we get to see this planet as it was 490 years ago.

The same thing happens in dating: Some people advertise themselves using selfies that were taken light years ago. In astronomy it’s interesting. In dating it’s just a big fat lie.

Astronomers would agree with me Guy #107 qualified as a big fat liar of cosmic proportions.

Guy #107 had been a model. Had been. That’s more past tenserish than anything you see in the night sky.

I get it. The world of dating is shallower than the world of science. I don’t look at bodies the way NASA does. I do have a tendency to not really care for the inside until the outside satisfies me.

Guy #107 got it too. He had spent a few years in the sun, being photographed by professionals when he was at the peak of his hotness. When we chatted online he would send me the most idyllic pictures of him at beaches, pools and against a wall with some hot woman who looked equally bored celebrating her prime. His pictures were hot alright.

Or maybe people on Grindr just like to be lied to.

Most of the time anticipation is but a prelude to disappointment. Guy #107 was no exception. When he opened the door to his apartment I felt like Dr. Who stepping out of a time machine: Based on his pictures I had expected to meet Guy #107 at least a decade earlier.

The funny thing was his house had pictures of him everywhere, yet Guy #107 looked nothing like him. I could tell it was definitely him in the pictures, but his face looked like it had taken an asteroid hit. Age had hit him hard.

When I first laid eyes on Guy #107 he had this hopeful yet questioning smile on his old face. He knew modeling would never pay another bill in his life. His smile was him asking me if I was okay with it.

I wasn’t, but I had traveled more than an hour to get to his place, it was late, it was freezing cold outside and I suck at rejecting people, so I politely asked for water when he offered me a drink. I never get to finish my glass of water on a sex date. This date was no exception.

Not wanting to look at his face any longer, it was probably me who initiated the first kiss. Before long, we were in his bedroom, which was a lot like his living room in the sense the walls were like a museum in his honor. Everywhere I looked I saw hot looking professional photographs of a very hot Guy looking very hotly bored in very little clothes.

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I have to admit it was kind of hot to realize I was doing it with all the hot Guys around me. Sure it was a bit sad to have so many pictures of oneself, but I was glad to be constantly reminded of the hotness I might have been with had Grindr been around a few years earlier.

Afterward, Guy #107 and I sat on his bed as he gave me a binder which consisted of highlights from his portfolio. He’s the only person who ever started showing me pictures of himself after sex. I could tell he liked being reminded of the hot Guy he used to be. His interior was designed to look like the distant star he had become.

I could have been mad at Guy #107 for turning into a big fat liar, but I guess he was just a former model who had become karma to everyone who only cares what bodies look like on the outside.

We ended up doing it twice.

 


 

Relationship summary:

LENGTH: One night
FORMAT: One night trip down memory lane
SEX SCORE (0 = Bad karma <–> 10 = The best sex ever): 7.5

Guy #106 – Damn that beauty…

It is said that looks don’t matter. This is of course the biggest lie since Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman. Looks can fuel a crush as much as cigars can define a presidency.

In terms of hormones, Guy #106 to date has been the only Guy to get me hard at first sight. I could attempt to describe him, but for the sake of the story simply imagine the most beautiful person you’ve ever met and ever will meet.

Guy #106 and I spent one night together. The first few hours we talked in the absence of any physical contact. It made me wonder if he was even into me. I considered Guy #106 so beautiful I did not dare initiate a first move. It was he who had started our conversation. It was he who offered me a drink. And it was he who asked if I was up for sex.

It’s one thing to desire beauty. It’s a whole other thing to be desired by it.

The sex itself was what I would call spectacular. My lack of initiative dissipated the moment we got naked and I pleasantly surprised myself with my adequacy as I surrendered myself to the desires of my desire. If heaven is a place that houses 72 Guy #106’s I could empathize with people that fly planes into buildings.

Of course, the dimly lit cell that is a cabin in a gay sauna is about as far from heaven as a gay Guy can be. After exploring each other for a good few hours Guy #106 got ready to give me what I had wanted him to give me the moment I first saw him…and then he came. As such, the trip to heaven lost to gravity just as my hands reached for the clouds.

Guy #106 felt bad about it. I on the other hand was flattered and cuddled up next to him. For a long time we simply cuddled and talked, which I guess has always been my favorite sexual position. Not only was guy #106 drop dead gorgeous, he had a mind, feelings, thoughts, enough material to keep our conversation going for hours.

When morning broke Guy #106 suggested the two of us check into a cheap hotel and continue the weekend there. I wanted to, but instead I told him my mother had recently been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and that we had a family thing I would feel guilty for not attending, given the circumstances.

There really was a family thing and I really would have felt guilty for checking into a hotel with Guy #106. It’s also true I opened up about my mother’s illness to bring depth to a relationship that wasn’t really a relationship. For all the intimacy we shared we were still mostly strangers.

In lieu of flying to heaven in a hotel room I left Guy #106 my phone number. He texted me later that day (just as I was engaged in an epic battle of mini golf with family) saying he had enjoyed his time with me.
I’m not the kind of person that pursues a commitment, but when it comes to beauty I do tend to behave like an addict. Guy #106 got me high for a short while, but I quickly craved for more. So I texted back, asking when we could meet again. He said he’d have to check his schedule. I gave him dates when I’d be available. He said he’d really have to check his schedule.

He’s been checking his schedule for four years now. For years and counting.

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I suck at playing hard to get, blissfully unaware of the fact my initial shyness was the very thing that made me worth chasing. I had been hard to get without realizing it. My reluctance to make even a hint of a first move had created a certain equality between Guy #106 and me. Now that I knew he found me attractive and nice to be around with I had completely submitted myself to his beauty, neglecting my own in the process. As a result I stopped being the delicious prey I was when Guy #106 first laid eyes on me.

If ever there was a Guy I’d like to meet again, it’s Guy #106. Not because I want to have sex with him – well, not just because I want us to cuddle above the cloud deck – but because he’s someone I’d want to know.
Most Guys I met have Grindr profiles, Facebook accounts or Instagram selfies. Guy #106 turned out to be a digital ghost I only knew by his first name. Maybe that’s for the best. I’m about to publish this post labeling him as the most beautiful Guy I’ve ever been with. It doesn’t get much less hard to get than that.

I do regret not checking into a hotel with him.
I regret it every time I see beauty.

 


 

Relationship summary:

LENGTH: 6 hours
FORMAT: Wow
SEX SCORE (0 = Gravity <–> 10 = The best sex ever): 9.6

Guy #21 – Looks matter…

 

 


 

 

There’s a big difference between a body and a face.

A body can be shaped. A human being can survive on blueberries, bananas, rice and oatmeal. Really, if you don’t mind bidding farewell to pasta and cramming out a hundred sit-ups every day, getting a nice body isn’t that big of an achievement.

A face however is pretty static. No amount of gym hours can change the way you look with your clothes on.

Of course, impulsive little me found that out the hard way.

You can guess where this is going.

Guy #21 had a gorgeous body. By the looks of his abs pasta was poison to him. I would have been attracted to him, were it not for the fact that his face appeared to have been drawn by Picasso.

Our paths had crossed on Craigslist, where his faceless body pic was somehow hot enough to make me want to see him. Heaven knows what the hell I was thinking.

I felt sorry for Guy #21. I’d like to believe we live in a world where everybody is equally beautiful on the outside, but the sad reality is that some people are objectively unattractive. Guy #21 probably read the disappointment in my eyes when we first met. I’m sure it was a look he had seen on other faces, perhaps even his own every time he passed a mirror.

Having been a virgin for the first 24 years of my life, I know what it’s like to go through life feeling ugly. For a long time I probably was unattractive. That’s the kind of energy I radiated. It’s the kind of energy Guy #21 radiated.

I had sex with him out of empathy.
It wasn’t great.

Yet it wasn’t awful either. And not just because of his abs. Guy #21 had a warm and loving personality, especially by Craigslist standards. And even though Craigslist was swarming with guys looking for quick fixes, it was obvious Guy #21 was looking for a connection, a bond with someone, something meaningful, however superficial.

Actually, over the years I’ve come to experience there’s no such thing as superficial sex. I just wasn’t aware of that during my date with Guy #21. Had I known Craigslist cashes in on our desire to be loved, I might have summoned up the honesty to tell him he wasn’t my type. I might have told him he should work on believing in his beauty instead of doing sit-ups to increase his sense of self worth.

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A face may be static, but a brain isn’t. It took me 168 guys to appreciate how much my brain determines the way I look, 168 and counting.

I hope Guy #21 grew up to be as attractive as I am now.

 

 


 

 

Relationship summary:

LENGTH: Two hours
FORMAT: Sex date
SEX SCORE: (0 = “I did not hit her. It’s not true. It’s bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not. Oh, hi Mark.” <–> 10 = The best sex ever): 6