Guy #81 – Nearer to God… (Part 2)

This one time Guy #81 took me to a meeting for Jehovah’s witnesses. Faith had always been an essential part of his life and I was very curious to learn more about his religion.

He called it a meeting, but it was really a hangar filled with thousands of Jehovah’s witnesses.

Entire families attended this gathering, which consisted of people preaching about God and youngsters performing a play about how to ask God for advice when someone wants to have premarital sex with you.

Then there were the obligatory references to humanity’s demise and God’s chosen few being granted a life in paradise.

To me, it was fascinating to be among thousands of devout believers as the only one wearing jeans. Even the many children there wore ties. To Jehovah’s witnessess God is someone to suit up for.

Personally, I don’t believe the world will end in the next ten years or that the survivors will inherit a planet with pet pandas. It felt eerie to be among thousands of people that do. It was also weird to think about the stuff Guy #81 and I had done with each other, sexually, and how such things were considered sinful by everyone around me. I felt like an alien among aliens.
Guy #81 must have felt like an alien among his own family.


As we left Guy #81 pointed to a few people sitting in the crowd. They were his parents and his siblings. He couldn’t go to them. He couldn’t say ‘hi’. He couldn’t even acknowledge their presence, nor could his family do the same for him. Guy #81 had abandoned his religion and with it his entire home. He cried when we walked by his family.
A lot of people saw his tears. The jaded looks on their faces suggested it wasn’t the first time they had seen someone cry at one of their meetings.


Guy #81 had come out of the closet a few years earlier. I was living in Suriname, South America at the time. Guy #81 left his closet by flying to me. His family back home had to break into his house and call the police to find out he was with me, in a banana republic, and gay.
I even got a phone call from the police, asking if Guy #81 was okay and not kidnapped. Minutes later I got another call. This time it was Guy #81’s mother.

I met Guy #81 in a gay sauna. We had shared sex, drugs and friendship together. Now I had his mother on the phone, right at the moment she found out her son was gay and giving up his place in paradise because of it. As I listened to his mother’s voice I realized I was listening to someone who, for all intents and purposes, had just lost a child.
Our conversation didn’t last long. His mother asked me if her son was okay. I reassured her that her son was safe. She asked if she could speak with her son, who at that moment was lying next to me on my bed, crying and wanting to be left alone.
It felt wrong being a gatekeeper to a mother, but I didn’t see any way I could be of help to her. She quite literally had but God to count on.

Guy #81 would later tell me that the few weeks he spent with me in Suriname were the most terrible of his life. He cried a lot, had a lot of nightmares in which he was hunted down by Satan and would often just stare at a photo of him and his family.

It was difficult for me to not be angry with his parents. I couldn’t imagine growing up in an environment so dictated by religion. I’m fairly atheist, but I’m open minded enough to feel God’s love every now and then. Sex for instance has always been a very spiritual experience for me.

Being with Guy #81 as he stepped out of his closet was, if nothing else, spiritual. The difference between me and him and his family was that I always welcomed God in my gay sex life.

It was the fall of 2010 and Guy #81 was about to enter the real world, leaving everyone and everything behind. I think I was pretty much the only friend he had in the real world at first.

I worried about Guy #81’s capability to adapt to his new environment.

A community of Jehovah’s witnesses shields you from reality. Guy #81 was a bit like Mowgli taking his first steps among humans. For a long time I half expected him to return to his closet at some point. I figured the safety of his religion would eventually weigh up against the cold of life outside a bubble.

For Guy #81 being gay was never a choice, but living a gay lifestyle had to be. He spent many years of his life knowing he would have to choose between a life in paradise with his family but deprived of physical intimacy or a life of satisfaction in the absence of safety. God just never made it easy on him.

I could resent God for putting Guy #81 in such an unnecessary conundrum.

Then again, I can’t help but like the God I felt when I slept with him.


And if anything, Guy #81 to me is proof that God has little problems with homosexuality. Guy #81 would end up making himself a new home. It would never be a substitute for the world he left behind, but last time I asked he told me he doesn’t regret his decision. He still misses his family. It still hurts. But at least he belongs.

Six years ago, the two of us met one night to share our sexuality. We ended up sharing way more than that. Sex with Guy #81 was anything but spectacular at first. His guilt used to overshadow any hint of arousal.
It wasn’t until much later that sex with him would become awesome and fulfilling: A few months ago we sat in a whirlpool, Guy #81 on my lap. Without using any words we reflected on our journey of the last six years. I’m thankful I got to be there when it mattered. And I was proud of him for having listened to his intuition, to have that kind of bravery. We kissed. Guy #81 was still as hot as the day I met him, but this time I didn’t feel his guilt.

It was one of the best kisses ever.



Relationship summary:

LENGTH: 6 years and counting
FORMAT: Very loving friendship with increasingly good benefits
SEX SCORE BEFORE COMING OUT OF CLOSET (0 = The worst parts of the bible <–> 10 = The best sex ever): 4
SEX SCORE AFTER COMING OUT OF CLOSET (0 = Pet pandas <–> 10 = The best sex ever): 9


Guy #81 – Nearer to God… (Part 1)

I want him.

That’s what I thought the first time I saw Guy #81: Perfect body, perfect face, sweet, seemingly innocent and Asian. I have never hunted anyone down the alleys of a gay sauna as determined as I have Guy #81.
I knew he was out of my league, but I also knew that out of all the Guys there, I was the only one even remotely close to his league. It was a slow night and I deemed myself the best he could get. Guy #81 apparently agreed.

The two of us stuck together the night we met. It surprised me Guy #81 appreciated my company. I tend to get clumsy in the presence of beauty.

I’ve been clumsy with Guy #81 from the day I met him.

When morning broke he insisted on coming home with me. I let him. After an exciting blow job on a train we spent the rest of the day sleeping and cuddling at my place. We didn’t have any more sex though. Guy #81 told me he had been on XTC the night before and that he couldn’t really have sex without any. At first I thought it had to do with muscle relaxation, but as it turns out XTC doesn’t just add joy.
It rids you of guilt as well.

As time went by Guy #81 allowed me to get to know him better: He was a Jehovah’s witness in a family of Jehovah’s witnesses in a community of Jehovah’s witnesses in a world of Jehovah’s witnesses. His entire life had existed in a universe secluded from what others would call ‘reality’.
He was also gay: He spent his weekends in the obscurity of gay saunas or remote parking lots and his weekdays being a knock knock joke. In my eyes at least.

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I often encouraged him to ‘just’ come out, saying his family would have no choice but to accept him for who he was. I pictured his family as a bunch of homophobic narrow minded simpletons, even though Guy #81 spoke very highly of them. He loved his family very much. I on the other hand couldn’t imagine loving a homophobe.
According to Guy #81, I didn’t quite understand his predicament.

He was right.

The end of times is near. Only those that adhere to God’s will are allowed a place in paradise.
Guy #81 handed me a few editions of ‘The Watchtower’, the magazine Jehovah’s witnesses give you when you open the door for them. It included drawings of happy straight folks enjoying a familial get together in the presence of pandas and baby lions.
“Do you really believe all this?” I asked in disbelief, pointing at the pet pandas.
“I know it to be true,” Guy #81 said.
“And what happens if you let go of it?”
“Then I’ll die when Jesus returns.”
In fact, by engaging in homosexual behavior Guy #81 didn’t just harm himself, he also prevented the Holy Spirit from protecting his loved ones. One day, in the never too distant future, the bad parts of the bible would descent unto Earth, killing everyone. Everyone except Jehovah’s witnesses. They would all rise from the dead and live an eternity in paradise. With pandas.
Sex with Guys would prevent all that from happening to Guy #81 and his family.

The more I learned about his religion, the more I came to realize that the life he led inside his community was a nigh perfect haven of love, harmony and understanding. Cuddly lions were notably absent, but apart from that his life was like one of the drawings in ‘The Watchtower’. Everything and everyone Guy #81 knew made him feel safe, welcome and prepared for whatever life could throw at him.

Everything except the gay sex of course.

I regret the lack of empathy I showed. At the time his religion showcased more compassion for his sexuality than I did for his religion. Despite their bleak outlook on the future, Jehovah’s witnesses genuinely believe they can help people and they are very accepting of those that don’t follow God’s word to the letter, even though they are certain those people will die soon. I wasn’t aware of the fact that faith, though stubborn and arguably blind, isn’t half as heartless as the real world can be. That’s what Guy #81 called his existence outside of his religion: The real world, and it was cold and scary.

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Cold, scary, yet somehow tempting.

Leading a double life became increasingly difficult for Guy #81. One night I woke up from his screams. I asked what his dream had been about.
“Satan,” he said. Consumed by fear, he could only lay still and whisper.

For Guy #81, God and Satan were as real as his sexuality. I tried to explain that no God in his right mind would make a Guy as beautiful as he was only to not let other Guys have sex with him. I couldn’t fathom a God that cruel.
Guy #81 was never disappointed by my lack of empathy. He simply accepted that no one could fully understand what he was going through, except maybe God. And Satan.

Certainly not clumsy me.

It took some time for me to realize my atheist goggles warped my reality as much as religion had warped his. It’s easy to label someone indoctrinated and be done with it. I thought I was helping Guy #81 by trying to ‘snap him out’ of his belief system, not realizing how much God had given him.

We ended up dating for about four months, though it was more of a friendship with a sexual component than a relationship. We came to care a great deal for each other. Our friendship didn’t end after those four months, but our proximity to each other did. Our ‘relationship’ ended when I moved to South America. It was difficult for me leaving Guy #81 behind, left to fend for himself in the real world.

On our last night together we spent a long time lying in each other’s arms, Guy #81 feeling sad, me feeling inept.
Being one of only a few people in the real world that had ever been there for him, I couldn’t help but feel I was deserting Guy #81. I didn’t expect to ever see him again.

I didn’t expect Guy #81 to ever come out of his closet.

I let go and let God, so to speak.


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