Like most people, I’m not entirely free from OCD. I for one don’t kiss and tell. At a certain point in time, shortly after losing my virginity, I decided I would have sex with everyone I ever kissed. Just because otherwise the universe might implode and I would end up lonely somehow. OCD gets pretty creative when it comes to connecting the dots.
For a disturbingly long time, this meant every Guy I ever seduced on a dance floor ended up in my bed. Even today, kissing nearly always leads to sex with me, at least to third base. It’s a bit of a compulsion.
Guy #99 and I met one night. We spoke amicably and that somehow ended up in us making out to the beat of Waka Waka Eeh Eeh.
This time for Africa was the universe telling me I was setting myself up for pity sex once more.
At the time I still considered pity sex a better option than no sex at all. When I kiss someone it means I’m willing to invest in that person. And of course I also got off on people that find me hot. So while Guy #99’s head reminded me of the Roswell alien, I didn’t want to break my string of kisses that ended up in sex.
To my surprise, Guy #99 drifted off after kissing me. I expected us to hook up later and then go to my place – I don’t dry hump someone on a dance floor unless I mean business. The fate of the universe depends on it after all.
Instead Guy #99 simply went home at some point.
That had never happened to me. Every Guy I ever kissed had seen me naked as well. For a long time, Guy #99 was the only exception, the weakest link in my chain.
It wasn’t until a few years later I ran into Guy #99 again. By this time some of the Guys that had seen me naked had looked very good naked themselves. Guy #99 looked like an alien, which I’m not into.
On the other hand, it was actually rather nice running into each other. Guy #99 was incredibly friendly and warm hearted, and his head was truly kind of good looking, except of course for its disproportionally small body.
Added to that Guy #99 was really into me. I felt bad turning down his enormous head.
For the sake of the universe I decided to have another try with Guy #99. I had kissed him once before. I simply had to do him.
We kissed again and sure enough, a few weeks later he finally visited me at my place.
It was on a Friday. I picked him up at his school campus. Having just finished a busy work week, I came wearing a tie, emphasizing the age difference between us. Age difference would turn out to be a major theme throughout our date.
As we drove to my house we mostly talked about homework. During our conversation he sang pop songs I had never heard before.
The thing is, his big head being so weird I had trouble seeing anything but weirdness. The fact our date was rooted in OCD probably didn’t help either.
Once we were at my place having sex, he started singing Britney Spears songs. I’m pretty sure it meant he was enjoying himself. He sang Toxic.
Actually, he didn’t just sing, he gave a performance, complete with his own choreography. To be fair, Guy #99 deserves credit for combining dancing and riding so graciously.
It wasn’t doing anything for me though.
Guy #99 was well above legal age, but you can’t help but feel an age gap when someone starts re-enacting a Britney concert during sex.
I guess unrewardingly weird intimacy is to be expected when you have pity sex out of OCD.
On the plus side, the universe didn’t implode.
A few weeks after our one and only date I ran into Guy #99 again. It was at our country’s only gay nightclub. Guy #99 walked up to me right as I was engaged in making out with Guy #100.
“Can I have sex with you tonight?” Guy #99 asked me like Oliver Twist asking for some more, soft spoken and anticipating his inevitable rejection.
“We’ll see,” I said, pointing my head at Guy #100, the Guy I was presently humping.
As I proceded to conquer Guy #100 I saw Guy #99 going around the dance floor, initiating a short conversation here and there, only to timidly walk away from whoever he spoke with. I can only assume he was going around asking people to have sex with him.
I felt sorry for Guy #99. All he wanted was someone to validate him and sing Britney songs with. Existence can be a sad experience when such a thing is too much to ask for. On the other hand, even my OCD can’t compel me to pity someone twice.
I can save the universe, but not everybody in it.