Gays and monogamy.
Sometimes it seems the two go together like alcohol and a hangover.
Commitment can be a wonderful thing, but it requires a lot of self esteem for it to be wonderful. I don’t think Guy #26 had a lot of that to go around.
I never met the other half of Guy #26, but he painted a picture of a possessive and belittling jerk who physically abused him sometimes.
‘Why do you stay with him?’ I asked. Guy #26 was unable to give me a clear answer.
I guess relationships can be like addictions. They can make you high at first, after which you forever ache to feel as high as you did that very first time.
Any addict will tell you the first high is always the best, though.
Guy #26 seemed very depressed because of his relationship. He knew he loved his boyfriend, but the reasons for this love had dissipated over the years. There probably never had been any real reasons to begin with, just a short spree of intense joy that disappeared the moment Guy #26 committed himself to feeling that high again.
In search of a surrogate he had uploaded a few selfies on Craigslist, where his path crossed with mine.
Apart from discovering my fist fitted into Guy #26’s anus this one time, the sex between us can best be described as lovingly pornographic, or maybe the word is simply passionate. Guy #26 wanted someone who could make him feel loved again. I was willing to give him that feeling on account of his lovable looks and equally attractive sweetness.
As time progressed we would spend less and less time in his house having sex, instead doing stuff such as walking through a park together, sitting on a bench and talking about life, love and what it’s like to be together and lonely at the same time.
Guy #26 had been very happy with his abusive boyfriend in the past. His relationship was now stuck in purgatory, his only solace being the fists of strangers.
Commitment can make you very lonely if done for the wrong reasons.
In countries where people are free to read this blog gay people live in a world where sex has become a product as accessible as a Big Mac.
Sex is not nearly as unhealthy as fast food and the experience will always be a little different. A lot of (gay) people fear commitment because they don’t want to miss out on experience.
The thing is, commitment is the experience. Much like being gay, commitment is not a choice. It flows naturally if you let it.
If you let it.
That’s the scary part. Commitment is not about holding on to something or someone. It’s about letting go and surrendering yourself to this thing called love.
Guy #26 was holding on, while he should have been letting go.
Letting go isn’t easy for anal people, though.
And something tells me Guy #26 was just that. Pretty darn anal.